Helping Someone Involved in an Abusive Relationship

• Don’t be afraid to let him or her know you are concerned for their safety. Help your friend or family member recognize the abuse. Tell him or her you see what is going on and that you want to help. Help them recognize what is happening is not “normal” and that they deserve a healthy, non-violent relationship.
• Acknowledge he or she is in a very difficult and scary situation. Let your friend or family member know the abuse is not their fault. Reassure him or her that they are not alone and there is help and support available to them.
• Be supportive. Listen to your friend or family member. Remember it may be difficult for him or her to talk about the abuse. Let him or her know you are available to help whenever they may need it. What they need most is someone who will believe and listen to them.
• Be non-judgmental. Respect your friend or family member’s decisions. There are many reasons why victims stay in abusive relationships. He or she may leave and return to the relationship many times. Do not criticize his or her decisions or try to guilt them. He or she will need your support even more during those times.
• Criticize the abuser’s behavior, Not the abuser themselves. Discuss the negative or unhealthy behavior, not the actual person. Even though you can see what is happening, the victim may become defensive and make excuses. (Good Ex. - Tom has been calling often, is everything okay? Bad Ex. - Tom, that psycho, is always calling you.)
• Encourage him or her to participate in activities outside of the relationship with friends and family.
• If he or she ends the relationship, continue to be supportive of them. Even though the relationship was abusive, your friend or family member may still feel sad and lonely once it is over. He or she will need time to mourn the loss of the relationship and will especially need your support at that time.
• Help him or her to develop a safety plan. This always needs to be in the mind of a victim, even if the abuse has not become physical.
• Encourage him or her to talk to people who can provide help and guidance. Find a local domestic violence agency that provides counseling or support groups. Offer to go with him or her to talk to family and friends. If he or she has to go to the police, court or a lawyer, offer to go along for moral support.
• Remember you cannot “rescue” him or her. Although it is difficult to see someone you care about get hurt, ultimately the person getting hurt has to be the one to decide they want to do something about it. It’s important for you to support him or her and help them find a way to safety and peace.